Dear Sag...

Dear Sag,

I have done the whole merry-go-round.

I have dated, loved, dumped, had my heart broken, bruised beyond recognition.

It was a long difficult route to recovery. But I have healed.

Now, I just want a man who is able to love me unconditionally.

Someone who pampers me, makes me laugh. Someone who matches my wits and intelligence, someone I can talk with, argue with, banter with. Someone who appreciate arts and culture. Someone who shares my view towards life, someone to have crazy-hot-insatiable sex with, someone to produce cute adorable little babies with. Someone to grow old gracefully with.

Yes, I want that and I want it all.

And you came. And you were all.

And you start talking about building homes. And of decorating them. And of having children, education, tuition fees. And cars we should buy. And money we would make. And living conditions. A home in Notting Hill. Of old age. And you sang songs of fixing me. And you call me beautiful.

Shut up, shut up. Shut up already. Don’t go saying all these things.

And then, break my heart.

So long, Mr. Childhood!

Biggoldfish to Akuh:


Akuh,

I think I'm finally over Mr. Childhood. It dawned on me when we were msging on whatsapp. I casually asked him how he's doing and when he's getting married with the gf - and his reply was "haven't found the one". I was egging him for details but he just went on abt how the relationship is fairly new and how you shouldn't judge a book by its cover etc etc. Pastu tiba2 he goes on to say how he miss me everyday and how he couldn't wait to see me when I come back, and how good I've look of late (spot on, Akuh!)

I feel pity for the gf - beria-ia defend the guy and he doesn't even remotely think that she could possibly be 'the one'. And I feel sorry for him - to be trapped in such a relationship for so long and still not feel that. They're both equally stupid - and I guess they deserve each other. You were right, he's just a child.

Just to be sure, I went on FB and had a look at all their pics together and I finally felt at rest - no more feeling of jealousy, no more envy, no more "I still want him". I don't know whtr this feeling is influenced by the fact that there's a guy in the picture. Maybe there's some bearing, but all he's thought me is that it is POSSIBLE to really move on.

I'm telling you this because I need you to remind me that I have felt this way, that being over him is possible. Just in case I fall into that deep dark pithole of self-pity again. Just remind me of this moment. This feeling of NOT feeling, of being liberated. It finally feels good.

Akuh to Biggoldfish:


YES! Damn it! YES! finally. I blardy hate it that he lingered on your soft spot for toooo looong.. ok. that wasnt nice. i wudnt want you to say the same about ******. ever since that nite at italiannies, i wished i could wring your neck and tell you that you deserve better. but i am in no position to judge, and i do understand his profound emotional impact on you. so, i waited. and waited. till you are at peace with yourself. i think we all realised that this 'excursion' to notts is necessary for you to recover yourself. and do some sampling on the side as well. i tell you the truth mate, at this age, we can no longer identify the end or the beginning of things. some things get left behind not because we'd want to, and some things we carried around with us not we because we didnt try forgetting. but burden of these things do change, sometimes it gets easier till one day it stops hurting. that is the most important part of living. to be alright and at peace with ourselves. besides, you shudnt carry too much emotional baggage. it gets heavier with age, you know. anyway, i'm happy for you. i was happy for you before when you were in a rut feeling for him, but i am a happier now. mainly because you tried hard to achieve this possibility. and feel good about it. and no worries, think i got a license to bitchslap you should you ever ever thought of falling into the stupid pithole again. and by the way, stop stalking their FB. i know. just stop it.

Kiddo Turn Man

11 February 2011

Selamat Pengantin Baru, Kiddo.

May your life ahead always be engulfed in happiness.

And sweetie, try be a good husband.

Back to Roots

sms sent: meh gi jale2...

sms rcvd: jap... abea kat puchong ngo mok akok... makei daun pisang

sms sent: hehehe... derah skek naa :)

sms rcvd: puchong hujae lebak anjing kucing...

sms sent: sini pung..

sms rcvd: dapak cuci keta free..

sms sent: baguh la, jimat duik abea... :D

sms rcvd: baguh... nak jale2 mano?

sms sent: hhmm... gi la jale mano2 pung. Ambo bawok keta, abea pikir naa :D

sms rcvd: asyek abea planin je... tengok wayae pung best jugok...

sms sent: buleh... bereh! :D



OMG! Chomei do-oh!!

Date Weekend

9th October 2010



hari ni date day dengan mr. childhood.

kali ni agak berbeza sebab level of rindu adalah mencanak-canak sebab dah 12 hari (eleh?!) tak jumpa.

mr. childhood was away in bali (dammit!) for 2 weeks for work.



aktiviti biasa adalah berjalan-jalan di the curve.

had cravings for ikea swedish meatballs and the yummy cranberry sauce.

and also the daim almond cake.



mr. childhood put on 5 extra kgs.

said he was fed like a hamster. 12 days. 3 times a day.

appetizer. main course. dessert.

nyampah ok.

and here i am struggling to put on the weight i lost during ramadhan.

sambil komen dah gemuk, masih boleh makan chicken wings.

and songlap my meatballs. haish.



masa jalan-jalan ke ikea.

mr. childhood took my hand.

my cheeks flared macam budak kecil.

heh, macam tak biasa pulak.

we sat down at the park,

and i rested my head on his shoulder.

smelling in the smell i've missed.


mr. childhood,

walaupun i try to look selamba.

most of the time, if not all the time.

if you only knew how much i've missed you.

and oh, how much i love you.

rasa macam tak boleh bernafas ok.

Now and then...

Then
There was infatuation, without love.
And I survived.

Then
There was love, without infatuation.
And yet still, I survived.

Now
There is love and infatuation.

I am afraid that this happiness
Will be my death.

Cair...

What I find desirously sexy in a guy:


His voice laying in bed. Talking to me on the phone.


Dammit!