Clarity (Part II)

last night it dawned on me
through eclispse of destiny
we're not meant to be

so long, muse...

Dearest Mum...

dearest mum,

tomorrow i turn 25. you feel me old. you worry about me not having a boyfriend. funny mum... i feel young. i feel myself just budding...

last night i wanted to go out to play pool with my guyfriends. you frowned disapprovingly.

keluar lagi? you asked me. who are these people? macam call girl aje.

they are my friends mum. they are the people i hang out with. they make me feel alive and young. these are good guys. and by the way mum, i don't react on a call, had this planned since the day before.

guys don't marry their buddies.

you think i don't know that, mum? i fell for my buddy, got dumped by my buddy. i learnt that the harsh way. i'd like to think that the lesson made me stronger, wiser... and yes, i have you to thank for that. for drying my tears. for pointing out 'good riddance!'.

very well aware, mum.

but has it ever occurred to you though, that things also works in reverse? or has our society become too male-oriented, that even you -- my epitome of a modern-thinking woman -- has too succumbed to the ancient perception unwillingly?

mum, it is because i don't want to marry these guys renders them my buddies.

you used to tell me of stories when you were young. you had lots of friends -- male friends especially. platonic ones, flirtatious ones, wild ones, decent ones. You went for picnics, outings... they'd even hang around grandma's home. nice people, you tell me.

do you not realize i'm living your life, mum? i am you all over again. and i especially like being friends with guys. they're so much simpler. girlfriends are at times so pretentious. act nice in front of me and yet bitch me behind my back. these guys mum, they understand without needing to, care without showing. it's all about pure friendship. i enjoy their company. they seem to like mine too.

i know you're worried of me... especially since all your friends' daughters are married, or en route marriage. i know you dream of choreographing a wedding. i noticed you secretly checking out others' reception for pointers. i realize you already have a mental picture. i understand motherly instincts, mum.

but i also remember, mum... it was you who told me not to rush into matrimony. getting hitched young is unwise you say. live life, earn a living, buy property, secure yourself first. i'm doing exactly that mum. i finally got my real taste of money - my very own earnings. i'm about to start to live. it's a world out there.

allow me that space, mum. i'm not missing the boat. i'm just taking my own time for the ride.

if it ever comes.

From This View

From this view here
Life seem vulnerable
A dash of determination
Solidarity in contemplation

From this view here
All fail to matter
What calls for existence
Who decides importance

From this view here
So many questions
At lost no guidance
A leap solves problems